**Warning** My blog has taken a serious turn to the "un-funny".
Jason came to visit me in my dreams last night. It was so amazing to see him again, and I remember saying, quite vividly, "Hey, buddy!" Which was odd.. I had never said that to him before. You see, Jason wasn't my buddy... wasn't my friend... he was my brother. My 30 year old brother, who passed away on Thanksgiving morning.
My brother was admitted to the hospital in mid-October for nausea and vomiting. Long story short... he was diagnosed w/ bacterial endocarditis (a heart infection) and also an infection of his spleen. His spleen was removed and he was started on IV antibiotics for the infection. He had complications in the following week due to blood loss, but nothing life threatening. We had no reason to believe that he wouldn't be coming home to us.
After five weeks of hospitalization, he was still losing blood. Tests were performed, surgery scheduled. On the evening of November 22nd, his surgeon came in his room and quite matter of factly informed he and his wife that surgery wouldn't be performed. His CT scan had shown an aneurysm, and it was inoperable. Inoperable??!! How is that possible? He's 30 years old and you aren't even going to TRY to save him? The answer: This is an aneurysm that we see once a year in this hospital. There are no known cases of a successful repair of this type of aneurysm. (mesenteric, for those of you that may be interested) We had no idea how long he had to live. The surgeon said it could be hours, it could be days.
As I prepared to see my brother for the first time, since he was told that he was going to die, I wondered what in the world I would say to him. I didn't want to break down and cry, I wanted to be strong for him. But what could I say? Turns out, I didn't have to worry about it. When I walked into his room, in the ICU, I was again struck by how much weight he had lost. His once strong and muscular body, now frail and frighteningly pale. He glanced up at me and gave me a little smile. I walked up and took his hand. He looked me in the eye and said, "It'll be okay. No matter what happens, it will be okay."
For the last thirty-six hours of his life, my brother repeated those words to each and every one of us. To the parents that were about to lose their youngest son and a part of each of them. To the brother that was going to lose the one person in the world that shared a million memories, and secrets that only brothers can know. To his younger sister who was losing her soulmate. To the wife that was losing the only man she'd ever loved and had been her high school sweetheart. To his two sons who were losing the man that would now never be there to teach them how to talk to girls or drive a car. To the countless aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends that came to visit him on that final day. And to the older sister that he hadn't always had the best relationship with. Yes, that would be me. And my reply to him, "Jason, I don't know how you can be this brave, but I am so proud of you." And of course there were tears.. plenty of tears from his big sister. I didn't want to upset him, but I believe that he needed to see them. He needed to see how much I cared. For all the times in his life that he doubted that I did.
Each and every one of us left his room with a dazed expression on our faces and a feeling of disbelief. Even more shocking than his impending death, was his attitude about it. He was actually trying to make us feel better! There were no tears. There was no self-pity. There was no anger. There was regret, of course. He was sorry that he wasn't going to be here with us. He worried about my mom.. he worried about his wife.. he worried about his boys.
Oh, but that smile.. that cute little smile of his. All thru that final night, I would look over at Jason and he would give me this smile. I would smile back, of course, usually thru tears. My sister, Sarah, asked him what that little smile meant. He said it was his "I love you" smile. I can still see it when I close my eyes. I hope I always will.
One of my all-time favorite movies is "Steel Magnolias". I've always loved that movie and the scene at the end in the cemetary. Makes me cry everytime, but there was always a line that I didnt quite get. When M'Lynn is recalling Shelby's death, she says, "I was there when that beautiful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out. It was the most precious moment of my life."
When my brother took his last breath, I was there. I was holding his hand. I was telling him it was okay to let go, everyone would be okay. I stroked his hand and his forehead and I whispered all of the things that I thought he needed to know. All of the things that I wished I had said to him everyday of his life. How much I loved him, how much I was going to miss him, and how proud I was to call him my brother. Yes, it was the most precious moment of my life.
